


The Morning After

by treesappy175



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: :'(, After After End, Angst, Changing POV, Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Grief, MC/Reader is given a name, Miscarriage, Nightmares, Pregnancy, Trying for Pregnancy, alcohol use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-18 12:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8161397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/treesappy175/pseuds/treesappy175
Summary: It's been only two years since Mari (MC) and Saeyoung got married, but they decide it's the perfect time to have a child.





	1. Prologue

They talked to me first before their big decision. I sat at one end of the L-shaped sofa, and they sat on the other. They sat really close to each other, holding each other's hands almost anxiously, like how one would twiddle their thumbs. But they still looked happy, with Saeyoung in particular trying to stop himself from grinning. I blinked at them, pretending to not already have a good idea on what they were going to tell me. 

"So, um..." Mari started off, stopping to squeeze Saeyoung's hand once more. "We're trying to make a pretty big decision, and we think it'd be best if you knew about it" she ended, side-glancing at Saeyoung to cue his part of the speech. I held back a small smile, anticipating how my brother would approach this delicate conversation.

"We're gonna have a baby!!" He blurted out, shiny grin breaking out as his cheeks go a bit pink. Mari lightly smacked his arm, giggling nervously and glancing towards me. It appeared she was more anxious about my reaction, so I let the smile show and relaxed my shoulders.

"It's about time you told me; I had a feeling you two were planning something"

"W-well, we are just 'planning' for the moment, so..." Mari trails off, glancing to Saeyoung again as if to depend on his blunt nature to the topic. A slight redness dusted her cheeks and ears, but the stars in her eyes showed just how excited she was for this. The warm, early afternoon glow poured in through the window, lighting their smiles up even more. I felt my chest growing lighter; even I was a bit excited for their plans. We further discussed how their "planning" meant that it was probably best I steer clear from their room, how they were planning to save up the finances for all of the equipment and make a use out of the small empty room parallel to mine, so on and so forth. As they talked, their positions relaxed more and their smiles warmed; their cheery nature was contagious, even to me, so I couldn't help smiling either. 

A bit over two years had passed since I began living with Saeyoung, and a lot has happened, as far as my mental health is to speak. I've definitely found myself improving; slowly but surely. Of course, some days, it just gets really difficult. I'll find a bunch of doubts, worries and emotions piling up and crashing down on top of me. Saeyoung, and even Mari, have definitely aided me in these episodes, opening up the windows, turning on the music I like and providing me with water with every panic attack I have. We've learned that I'll calm down quicker if I'm on my own, though sometimes I need my brother to talk me out of any of the more, er,  _drastic_ ideas that pop up. However, I haven't had a panic attack for almost four months, and don't seem to detect any more coming soon. At that particular moment of time, things were about as good as they could be, and I felt that now familiar sense of hope in my chest.

The anxious ideas about how horribly abusive my mother was spawned and spun around in my mind, but I tried to counter them. I had lived with Mari for almost two years, and knew better than anyone that she was kind, forgiving, and most importantly  _patient_. Even though I had tricked her into becoming involved with my plans with Mint Eye, attempted to kidnap her, and overall acted like the worst person with her, she continued to smile in my direction when I enter the house after an afternoon walk. She continued to prepare small meals of all the things I've grown to enjoy outside my bedroom door whenever I would shut myself in. She continued to open up and talk to me during the rare moments it was just us in the house. I was constantly being shown just how perfect she was for Saeyoung, in sharing his odd sense of humour, taste in music, food, entertainment, and their uncanny patience and perseverance. She was almost like another Saeyoung, though she definitely had a more playful nature. I still remember being caught in the middle of Nerf gun battles and spontaneous games of hide-and-seek. With this in mind, it wasn't hard to shut out nasty doubts involving my own mother. I genuinely believed Mari would be a wonderful mother, that Saeyoung would be a wonderful father and that they would make a wonderful child. I had no apparent reason to worry, and continued to shut away the irrational doubts with the more comforting ideas. 

It didn't take that long for them to successfully conceive. Or perhaps it did take long? I wasn't sure; and didn't particularly care to know. What I do know, however, was that I was woken up in the late morning by two excited squeals coming from the bathroom. Stumbling in to see what was going on, I was welcomed with the sight of a grown man and woman weeping tears of joy, twirling around like ballerinas in the small, cramped bathroom. There was also a pregnancy stick sitting next to a cup with two straight lines on the little screen. I remember Saeyoung pulling me by the arm, spinning me around with him.

"You're gonna be an uncle, Saeran! We're really having a kid!" He excitedly shouted, looking the happiest I've ever seen him in my entire life. Still foggy with sleep, it took me a moment to process his words, and the situation altogether. It seemed to not have dawned upon me that their child would become my niece or nephew. I was going to be an uncle; a completely foreign concept to me. Foggy images of a small being with fluffy brown hair appeared in my head, poking their small nose over a bowl of cereal, with amber eyes the size of teacups. More images of another small child, with silky orange hair and chocolate brown eyes lifting their head to look up at me whenever I'd come home. I could only come up with guesses here and there about what the child would look like, but in any case, I felt my heart swell a little with excitement. I would truly be happy to meet them, and try my best to be a good uncle - whatever that's supposed to mean. 

Mari and Saeyoung told the RFA members about the pregnancy the best way they knew how. Mari quickly fashioned a green dinosaur-looking creature out of thin cardboard and googly-eyes, and Saeyoung glued it to an old sweater he stained with red paint on the stomach area. Mari wore the sweater and posed with Saeyoung on the couch, making mock-horror expressions as they made me take the picture with Saeyoung's phone. Saeyoung posted it to the group chat, writing the caption 'Coming to The Hospital in November!', and it took a hilariously long time for them to figure out what they were trying to say. 

Once they did figure it out, they were also ecstatic. Jumin tried to keep his congratulations formal, but you could tell he was sincerely happy and excited for the couple; the same goes with Jaehee, though she was more honest about her excitement. Zen was also excited, though showed concerns with how fast they were deciding to have a child, alongside Yoosung (who was the last one to catch on to the pregnancy joke). Once they were fully reassured that the couple's plans were not drastic, but planned, they gushed over the endless possibilities. The group chat lasted for two hours as congratulations, jokes and ideas were being thrown around left an right with everyone. I wasn't the most present member of RFA in the slightest, seeing as I still felt a lot of guilt for targeting them, so being in the chat had me learning a lot about everyone. They were truly wonderful people to be friends with. They always accepted me, calling a part of their family. While I had not truly felt that was true at that moment, being in the chat made me more open to the idea of becoming more involved with these people. I couldn't shake the pleasant idea that the RFA truly was the best family a kid could grown into. 

I also couldn't shake the less pleasant idea that I had no heavenly idea what to do with these exciting thoughts. I knew that I wanted to open up more, and accept their strange antics and become closer to them. I just didn't know how. I also didn't know what to do with kids, at all. It's not like I've never seen or interacted with children before; a lot of them play in the park I like to walk around in, and more than once have I kicked back a soccer ball towards them, or help get a kite out of the branch too high for their short arms. But I knew that if I was going to be living with a child, my presence would mean a lot to their growth and development. All I can really say is that I'm certain I'd be a really different person if I grew up around different people. But, I had no idea how to make sure I was a good influence to them, and honestly, I doubted whether I  _could_ be a good influence. Mari seemed to be the first one to catch on to this; as she usually is. My brother's definitely not dense, but with Mari being a more sensitive and perceptive person, she could pick up on my doubts quicker than anyone. One early evening, during the hour-long gap between Mari coming home from her job as a receptionist before Saeyoung comes back from his computer maintenance job, she approached me about my doubts. 

"It's kinda scary, isn't it?" She admitted, looking at me with sympathetic eyes. I could never lie to those eyes, even if I wanted to. I gave a small nod. She sat down near me, but not too closely. She knew I liked my space, and I silently thanked her once more for her boundless consideration. 

"Honestly, I don't really know what to do with kids either. I always assumed it'd be like taking care of a dog that talks..." She chuckled lightly to herself. I gave her a small smile. She reached into her shoulder bag and pulled out a book. It was short, and not very wide, but it was considerably thick. The cover showed an image of two children putting together a large puzzle in what appeared to be a living room. There was also a small brown cat sitting on the sofa behind them, slightly blurred as it laid in the background. The title above read 'Accepting a Child into your Home: A Guide to Living with a New Family'. 

"I saw this at the bookstore, and managed to read a chapter before the store clerk practically forced me to buy it. But I think it's really good, and I thought you might appreciate it, so..." She trailed off, holding the book out to me with a shy smile. I gently took it from her, and scanned my eyes across the blurb on the back of the book. It seemed to be advertising the answers I was looking for; I promised myself to set aside time to read it. 

"Thank you, Mari... This is really helpful" I said, a warm smile spreading across my face. Her eyes light up and she beamed at me, looking genuinely delighted to have been helpful to me. It reminded me once more just how perfect she was for my brother, and how lucky I was to have her support in my life despite all the circumstances. She skipped away to the kitchen, declaring she was going to prepare the curry she had been craving. I watched for a bit as her long hair bounced left and right as she cheerfully prepared the food, before gazing at the book once more. I opened it up, and held my thumb across the side of all the pages, letting them slip through rapidly. The book was littered with picture diagrams, quotes and chunks of words that my eyes glazed over. From the way the diagrams looked, it seemed like this book also had some first-aid skills to use on children, satisfying a worry that I hadn't even come up with yet. I leaned back into my seat and closed my eyes for a second. Birds fly past the house as they retreat to their homes, oil sizzles in the pot and Mari hums an improvised, cheery tune. A few more moments of this quiet atmosphere passes before I slowly get up and walk over to my room. 

I flopped down onto my bed and opened up the book, feeling particularly calm and content.

_Things were as good as they could be._


	2. The Stars Died

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone had gushed over endless possibilities, but no one touched on this particularly more morbid possibility.

The incident happened a bit over a month into the pregnancy. I still remember how that morning started off like any other. Mari had been riding along the physical changes rather smoothly, considering what I've heard other women going through. Her baby bump had just started becoming rather prominent, she lived in socks and sandals without a care, and she had rarely gotten morning sickness. Nothing changed her chipper mood, though sometimes she did huff about losing sleep because most of her cravings would decide to hit her late at night. I'd reluctantly get out of bed at 3:00am, giving up attempts to sleep to find her baking strawberry cakes, or scoffing down banana and chocolate chip ice-cream. It was always fruit-flavoured things; never the fruit itself. But, all things considered, she was the same Mari as always. That morning, she was the same Mari as always.

Saeyoung, on the other hand, changed way more. He was spitting out dad-jokes left and right, and whenever he and Mari sat on the couch he'd be rubbing her baby bump and talking to it. He'd babble on about what kind of growth the baby was growing through at the time, and all the things he wanted to teach and do with the child. He also started coming up with names already, along with Mari.

"I don't know, I figure we should keep up the 'Sae' tradition" Mari giggled, followed by Saeyoung. I tried to tell them that having another person's name starting with 'Sae' would be really confusing, but they wouldn't listen. Saeyoung came up with the idea of forging his and Mari's name together to make the name 'Saeri'. Mari laughed more at that, but seemed to genuinely consider it. Also, for whatever reason, he insisted on teaching the kid how to crossdress.

"It's more useful than you'd think!" He'd exclaim, and Mari found her agreeing after listening to Saeyoung's many, many examples on how crossdressing worked in his favour. _Yeah, these two were made for eachother_ , I'd think to myself for the billionth time. He also insisted that she demand maternity leave as soon as she can; apparently the RFA were planning another big party and he didn't want her stressed out at such a delicate time. She always assured him that her job and answering the emails were perfectly manageable, and that she'd rather stick it out to the second trimester, if she can. They bickered about this idea every now and again, but Mari always stood her ground. I had to admire her tenacity; I had no idea what she was going through, but I assumed she must be strong if she's so determined to tackle a messy sleep schedule, swollen ankles and essentially two jobs.

I had almost finished the book she had leant me, soaking in and sometimes re-reading each chapter I read and backing it up with more online research. For my sake more than anyone's, really, I'd tell myself, whilst also wondering if the frozen peas Mari had been propping her ankles up on were too warm to be helpful. Saeyoung had stolen said book from me and read it at least twice now; clearly showcasing his anxieties more so than I did. Despite being the pregnant one, Mari seemed the most lax out of everyone. Even the RFA showed more concerns than she did, and I wasn't sure if that had something to do with the pregnancy itself or Mari's perseverance. She seemed to be perfectly content to sit on the couch, legs spread lazily as she kept a hand over her belly that was covered in one of Saeyoung's hoodies and a pair of sweatpants. She was no different that Saturday morning, with Mari happily enjoying her day off with a small box of raspberry yoghurt. Saeyoung had left two hours earlier, and I sat near Mari with the last few chapters of her book. The television was running on the ad channel, with shiny food processors and special vacuums popping up on screen, phone numbers being repeated five more times than they needed to be. It was clear that Mari had just put it on for background noise, and was really focusing on her phone, tapping away and chuckling to herself every now and again. I could only assume she was talking to the RFA.

I remember getting up and retreating to my room; the advertiser's voice was starting to irritate me, and I really wanted to finish the book that day. I don't remember how long I was in there, but the quiet, calm atmosphere was disturbed in shattered in an instant. I heard a shriek echo from the bathroom, along with the crashes of something large and metal. I was on my feet in an instant, and I remember thinking Mari may have tripped. As I sped through my bedroom door, I raced to the kitchen to grab the packet of frozen peas in the freezer. Then I heard a wail; a broken, cracked wail that almost made my heart stop. I dropped the bag at my feet and sprinted to the bathroom, the sounds of frightened whimpers humming through the walls. I almost crashed into the door and jerked the doorknob. It was locked.

"Mari?! What's going on in there?" I called out to her, twisting the doorknob more. I pressed my ear against the door to listen in, hearing complete silence for a few moments. Finally, a meek "I'm fine" rang out, but I wasn't convinced.

"What happened? Talk to me, Mari..." I tried to say it more gently, but you could clearly hear the panic in my voice. I only heard a choked sob in return, and my patience ran thin.

"I'm _fine!_ Just... leave me alone for a bit, okay? Just a few minutes?"

"You don't sound fine at all! Look, if you don't open the door, I'm going to break it down" I warned her, backing away from the door to position myself. There was a pregnant pause, as the air stilled and the sounds of my breathing was canceled out. Faintly, I heard a light dripping noise, as if there was water falling into the drain on the bathroom floor. Mari sniffled, but offered no other response. Patience snapping, I rammed my shoulder into the door as hard as I could, and lock broke off the door, swinging the door wide open. The sight I saw was something I could never forget, no matter how much I may have wanted to.

Mari sat up at the side of the bathtub, legs crossed and ankles spread, her head hanging low. The small metal stand the towels normally rested on was scattered at her feet, the towels on it flung about and stained red. _Red_. There was _so much red_. It spread through her legs, and stretched across the white tiles. A chain of blood drained down into the ground, causing the faint dripping noise that hammered into my head. The blood was twisted and spread by her hands and feet as they squirmed uncomfortably in the mess. I froze, feet stuck a few safe centimeters away from all the red. I couldn't take my eyes away from it. I would never be able to remove the small _chunks_ scattered throughout the blood glistening in a deeper red from my mind. Mari didn't lift her head, but grabbed a shampoo bottle that sat at the end of the bathtub and swung it at me viciously.

" **Get the fuck out!** " She shouted, venom spitting out from her quivering lips as she sobbed. I almost backed away as my mind deciding to smack me with a memory of my own mother throwing various pieces of furniture at me whenever she got mad. I shook my head, begging my mind to get that memory away so I focus on the situation. But even then, I didn't particularly want to focus on the matter in front of me. There was just... so much blood. **Too much blood**. My hands started to shake. My heart both sunk into my stomach and leaped and pounded in my throat. Nausea spun around in my guts, but I ignored it. I was going to walk back to grab my phone that was still in the living room when Mari finally lifted her head and looked at me. Fat tears spilled down her cheeks, eyes puffed red at the lids. The look in her eyes though, was truly a heartbreaking sight to see. The stars in her eyes had died, with only clouds taking their place. Lifeless brown rings with thin pink strands circling around them stared right at me. Her hands were shaking too, but it didn't stop there. Her shoulders shook, her bottom lip quivered.

She slowly looked down her hands, smeared with blood. Her entire body started shaking then, and her breathing was quick and broken. Stuttered gasps slipped out her throat, until finally, she screamed. A heart-wrenching, piercing scream rang out through the bathroom, scratching at my eardrums and finally snapping me out of my shock. The scream didn't rang out for long, as her voice cracked and it quickly turn into a hoarse whimper. I swallowed back the bile in my throat, and spoke.

"I... I'm gonna call for an ambulance... Don't move" I spoke in a robotic monotone, and turned around to quickly stumble into the living room. Don't move?! I cursed myself, hands shaking dialing the emergency line on my phone. How am I even going to explain this? I wondered, and the dispatcher spoke programmed words.

"119, what's your emergency?" My robotic voice hadn't wavered in the slightest as I quickly, quietly explained the situation. A pregnant woman is suddenly suffering from "internal bleeding", ma'am, whatever shall I do? The dispatcher hurriedly set off an ambulance to our location. She walked me through the process of lying Mari down on her back, grabbing some of the stained towels, and instruct Mari to keep them pressed firmly against the source of the bleeding. I grabbed the only unstained towel, soaked it with cold water, folded it as best as I could with one free hand and pressed it to Mari's forehead.

"Mari, you-you're gonna be okay... It's okay..." I muttered out uselessly, feeling utterly helpless as Mari forced herself to quiet her sobs. After a few minutes of this, I had to quickly run to the control room to open up the door to the security system, allowing the ambulance to enter in safely. After guiding them to where Mari was, I was ushered away to the living room as one of the doctors there asked me questions.

"Had she shown any signs of dizziness earlier today, or yesterday?", "Does she have diabetes, or a thyroid condition?", "Had she experienced miscarriages before?" The questions spun around in my head as I tried to answer as best I could with my shaking voice. He reached out to pat my shoulder, and I quickly stepped away from him and shook my head, trying to calm myself down.

"Sir, are you the father?" He finally asked, and my eyes shot wide open. Oh my fucking god. How the fuck am I gonna tell Saeyoung about this?! A sob finally crept up my throat as I shook my head no, but that apparently wasn't enough. He asked me again, and I couldn't control the anger in my voice.

" **No** , I'm not the **fucking** father! He's at work. I'm her brother-in-law!" I shouted, causing the man to flinch a little, before quickly telling me to calm down. I wanted to, I really wanted to calm down and not distract the doctors helping Mari onto a sheet, but I just couldn't. Everything was so fucking loud, and I couldn't handle it. I backed away some more, shaking my head vigorously, trying to shake the noises out of my head, the images away from mind. Everything I was scared of started crashing down on me. I wrapped my arms around each other, digging my nails in as far as I could to shake the sensation of the rope. I bit my lip hard to stop myself from crying. I told the man to keep away from me as quietly as I could, as I backed myself into a wall and slid down to sit on the ground. I held my head in my hands covered in dried blood, trying to ignore the smell. The man did as I said, quickly realising that I needed space. My breathing kept jumping away from my throat, and I had so much trouble taking it back in. My lungs hurt and my eyes stung with tears. I looked up with blurry eyes to see four other doctors carrying Mari away on a bed of sorts. She didn't seem entirely conscious, shaking her head tiredly and trying to raise her hands. The doctors tried to secure her and keep her still as they walked her away.

The man knelt down in front of me, still keeping his distance. He explained that Mari should be fine, told me I did a good job of taking care of her, and that offered to have go in the ambulance with her. I couldn't answer right away. It shouldn't be me in the ambulance, it should be Saeyoung. No, this shouldn't be happening at all. Everyone was  _so excited_ to have this child. Everything was going fine! Mari looked healthy. She had been healthy. The baby _should_ have been healthy! 

"What... What the _fuck_ went wrong?" I asked him, desperately hoping for an answer I could be satisfied with. The man pulled a complicated expression. 

"We're not sure. It's too soon to say" He dejectedly answered, lowering his head. It took everything in me to not grab this man by the collar and scream in his face. Too soon to say? Rather, it's too fucking late! Mari and Saeyoung had been to the doctor before all of this, and they didn't mention anything like this being a possibility! I shook my head, trying to breathe calmly. The man offered to have me in the ambulance once more, and this time, added that I could call the father once I was at the hospital. That got me standing up shakily, as I nodded while wiping my eyes. And so, I walked over to the ambulance, where Mari rested, finally having fainted under all of the panic and the doctors kept track of her pulse. While they were all relieved that Mari seemed to be fine, their expressions hid grief as they looked at me and to each other, as if to silently ask "So, should you tell him or should I?" I shook my head at them. I'm not an idiot.

 

I already knew when I saw the stars die in Mari's eyes. The baby died along with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might change the rating to M, idk...


	3. Nobody

Apparently, it was the case of an insufficient cervix. A miscarriage can sometimes occur when there is a weakness in the cervix, and the blood, tissue and placenta can expel itself from the uterus without much of a warning. I do remember feeling a pressure low in my guts, and thinking it was perhaps diarrhea, I rushed into the bathroom, and that's what left me in such a truly horrifying, humiliating state. Relief washed over me when I finally fell unconscious in the ambulance. I didn't want to be awake for this. I didn't want to be awake at all. 

I fell into a dream. I was a child again, around nine or ten years old. I had been at a friend's house with a few other girls, and we all laid on our stomachs in a semi-circle as we flipped through someone's mother's magazine. We had felt, at the time, that it was a very grown-up thing to do; flip through magazines and gush over the jewelleries and beauty tips scattered throughout. We then flipped to the baby section, which was filled with advertisements for baby products, parenting advice and plenty of picture of precious, squishy faces wearing bows and dresses. The girls and I really piped up at this page, as it brought about an interesting topic; do we want to have kids when we're adults?

"My baby brother is really gross, I don't want kids!" One had said with a huff, propping herself on her elbows and resting her jaw in her hands to make her pout stick out further.

"They can be gross, but you can dress them up too!" Another countered, pointing to one of the baby girls wearing a pink frilly dress patterned with little roses throughout. Aww's rang out in unison between us all, with another girl poking the baby's cheek through the paper. The first girl looked to me with a small, condescending glare. She never really liked me, but in truth, nobody in the group liked her, so all she could really do was put little shy me in the spotlight every now and again.

"What about you, Mari? Do you want kids?" She asked directly, feigning curiosity. The other two girls raised their hands to look at me, with genuine curiosity as they egged me on to answer the question. I hesitated. In truth, a lot of my time was dedicated to daydreaming about domesticated life. At the time, I dreamed of have five precious, beautiful children, two dogs, and beautiful husband. Or wife, as little me didn't even yet understand how conception worked. I had all five kid's personalities locked into my mind. I wanted three daughters; a ballerina, an artist and a veterinarian. My two sons would be a writer and a teacher. I would give them sweets whenever they asked, let them keep their beds unmade, and they'd get to skip school whenever they wanted. I pictured myself as the perfect mother, and I was a little embarrassed to admit that. 

And so, I shook my head shyly at the girls, cheeks flushing at the lie. The girls raised their eyebrows, but stayed quiet. I quickly turned the page over to some more jewels that go with monochrome outfits. The images grew smaller and smaller, shrinking into total blackness. New noises flooded my ears, and I perked up to listen. There an unfamiliar voice speaking soothingly, and a more familiar voice almost hissing back. Saeyoung? I fluttered my eyes awake to the bright room, fixated on a dim ceiling light as I waited for my eyesight to stop being blurred. 

Fluffy orange hair came into view from both corners of my eyes. I slowly turned my head to my right, where Saeyoung harshly spoke to a doctor, demanding I sleep some more. I swing my head lazily to my left, where Saeran sat in a chair next to bed, chewing on thumbnail while one of his legs bounced anxiously. His eyes shifted between me and Saeyoung, and once he realised I was awake his eyes grew. His mouth opened and closed, hesitating for a second. 

"Saeyoung... She's awake" He finally spoke up, and Saeyoung instantly ceased his bickering to turn to me and pet my hair. I turned to him, finally getting a good look. He looked a mess, glasses off and clamped in his other hand. The lids of his eyes were puffed and tinted red along with his nose, the eyes themselves bloodshot. Hair unkempt as he by no doubt ran his fingers through it anxiously every five seconds. He kept his eyes trained on me, shifting through every detail on my face for any signs of discomfort. My heart ached to see my husband in so much distress, after everything we've already been through.

"Hey, Mari, you're alright... You're okay; it's okay" He spoke, trying to sound reassuring, though the dry wavering of his voice betrayed him. I glanced at the doctor, who kept his stance reserved, though he did share a sympathetic look to me. Realisation sunk into my heart, and my eyes welled up once more. My shoulders started to shake a little as I try my best to not cry. Saeyoung's eyes well up at this, and he ditches his glasses to hold onto my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. I squeeze back, and give him a weak smile, trying to keep a strong face. Saeran glances away, discoloured eyes scanning the ground before settling on looking at the doctor expectantly. The doctor clears his throat, cueing everyone in the room to pay attention to him. Everything is silent for a moment, except for the tapping of Saeran's heel as his leg continues to bounce anxiously.

The doctor explains my condition. The reason why signs of my insufficient cervix went unnoticed was because being a 25-year-old woman with no particular illnesses, a case like this is very unlikely. Basically, there's no use in searching for a problem if it's safe to assume it doesn't exist. Therefore, everything I was caring for and growing inside me left without any warning. It was deemed a completely spontaneous abortion, as all the blood and tissue left at the same time. This, tragically, meant that the baby growing inside me is no more. I was offered to spend the night at the hospital to recover, but I was free to go home in the early evening. I bit my lip, conflicted. Truthfully, I wanted to be alone. I didn't want anyone to look at my face, and I didn't want to see the grief on anyone else's face. If I stayed at the hospital, there was no doubt in my mind that Saeyoung would stay right by my side. He would stubbornly refuse to leave me, as would be the case if I went home, also. What's the difference between home and the hospital? Well, home would have a comfier bed, I suppose. I suddenly felt nauseous. 

Wait, there's no way the bathroom's been cleaned already, right? My eyes welled up once more, and I tried to internally curse the tears away. Saeran must have noticed my realisation, and opened and closed his mouth with hesitation again. 

"The-The bathroom... Is already cleaned up..." He muttered, quietly enough for there to be hope I didn't hear. But I did, and the tears spilled down again. I shook my head, trying to pull myself together. Saeyoung kept petting my hair. 

"Just... Tell me what you want, Mari - I promise, I'll listen" Saeyoung spoke up, voice low and reassuring. I looked up at him, doubting the statement. Yes, I wanted to be alone, but I also didn't. Misery loves company, I guess. What would these two even do if I sent them home? What would they say to one another? What would they think about? My head started to hurt. Desperate to stop thinking, I made my decision.

" _I'll_ spend the night here. You two can go home, please..." My voice grew weaker the more I spoke. Saeyoung squeezed my hand again. 

"Are you _sure_ that's what you want?" He asked, looking me right in the eyes. I forced myself to look back and not cry. I nodded; a short, firm nod. Saeyoung looked conflicted, but I squeezed his hand back and gave him a soft smile. It occurred to me that, even if I sent him home, he'd probably come back later anyway. I might as well try to get as much time alone as I could. 

Saeran was the first to stand up. Slowly, hesitantly, he shuffled to the end of the bed before looking back at me and Saeyoung. Saeyoung was slower, but he stood up and gently slipped his hand away from mine. 

"You have your phone with you, so... Call me right away if you need me" He said, petting my head one more time before leaning down to plant a kiss on my forehead. A kiss like that never failed to lift my spirits, even now. I gave him another soft smile, before resting my head back on the pillow. The boys slowly left and closed the door, and I glanced towards the doctor. I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know. He shook his head no, before quickly piping up about how the nurses would be here soon with some water, to test my blood pressure. I thanked him mutely, and he left as well. 

I was finally alone. I stared back at the dim ceiling light, and let myself think about how... _awful_ everything was. I let the sobs creep up my throat and spill from my lips and eyes. I was nobody's mother. 


	4. Home

*** Zen, Yoosung ***  


***Saeran Enters the Chatroom***

***Saeyoung Enters the Chatroom***

**Zen:**  Saeyoung? Saeran? What's going on?

**Saeran:** ...

**Yoosung:** We were talking to Mari earlier today, but she suddenly left the chatroom...

**Zen:** And we haven't heard from her since!

**Saeyoung:** ... First, don't freak out.

**Zen:** What happened?! 

**Yoosung:** Tell us!  


**Saeran:** Seriously, don't panic. 

**Zen:**   Just speak up, already...

**Saeyoung:** Mari's in the hospital.

**Yoosung:**   ?!?!

**Zen:**   Is she okay?!?

**Saeran:** Yes, Mari will be fine... 

**Saeyoung:** She just needs to rest...

**Zen:** But if she's fine, why is she in the hospital? 

**Yoosung:** Yeah... I'm worried...

**Saeran:** ... 

**Saeyoung:** ...

\---

Both of us hesitated. I look up from my phone to look at Saeyoung. His hands are shaking, clearly at a loss for words. I sigh, and am about to turn the phone off and give up, too tired to put up with the rest of the day. Saeyoung suddenly starts typing, though, so I quietly stay tuned. 

\---

**Saeyoung:** I'm not sure how to say this...

**Zen:** Saeyoung... 

**Zen:** Did something happen to Mari's baby?

**Yoosung:** Oh no...! 

**Saeyoung:** Yes. 

**Zen:** Damn... But, what...? 

\---

Saeyoung shakes his head, unable to go on. Compelled, I reach out and rest my hand on his shoulder. Saeyoung turns to me, eyes wet with tears and face twisted with grief and frustration. We say nothing, but I am able to get the question across with just my eyes.   


_Do you want me to tell them?_

Saeyoung bites his lip, trying not to cry. After a long moment, with more messages from a confused Yoosung and Zen flying through our phones, Saeyoung lowers his head and gives a small nod. I take my hand off his shoulder and take a deep breath. I stare at the screen, conflicted, before deciding to just be blunt. There's no way you can make this sound better with flowery language; it's just impossible.

\---

**Saeran:** Mari's had a miscarriage.

**Zen:** No way! 

**Yoosung:** Oh god... So the baby is...

**Saeran:** Yes. 

**Yoosung:** That's horrible! 

**Zen:** ... I'm shocked... Mari...

**Yoosung:** Just when everything seemed to be okay in the morning... How?!

**Yoosung:** How could it get this bad so quickly? 

**Saeran:** I'd rather not say.

**Saeran:** Seriously, the details aren't exactly pretty. 

**Zen:** But... Mari... Is she healthy? Is she okay?

**Saeran:** Mari is not in any danger. Health-wise, she's fine. 

**Saeran:** But she's not doing well. You might not hear from her in a while. 

**Saeran:** ... I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say...

**Yoosung:** God... Poor Mari... 

**Yoosung:** Saeyoung? Are you okay? 

**Zen:** Yeah, you haven't said much... You must be shocked.

**Saeyoung:** I... 

**Saeyoung:** No, I'm not okay. 

**Saeyoung:** I gotta go. 

***Saeyoung Left the Chatroom***

\---

"I can't stay here" Saeyoung suddenly says. He lays his phone on the counter, and starts heading to the door to put his shoes on. 

"Mari said to stay here" I mumble, not really feeling compelled to stop him. Saeyoung turns to me, eyes flaming with determination, before softening up a bit. 

"I'll be back in a bit, I just... I can't leave her alone. She shouldn't be alone" He decides, throwing his hoodie back onto his shoulders and heading out the door. I turn back to the phone. 

\---

**Zen:** He left...

**Saeran:** He's going back to hospital, to check on Mari... 

**Yoosung:** This is awful... I still can't believe it.

**Zen:** Mari... I want to visit her.   


**Yoosung:** Yeah, me too... Can we?  


**Saeran:** That's not a good idea. I think she wants to be alone...  


**Saeran:** She even sent me and Saeyoung home... 

**Zen:** But he's visiting her now?  


**Saeran:** I think he's the only one that can kinda get away with going against her wishes, so...

**Yoosung:** I guess you're right. There's no way he'd leave Mari alone at a time like this... 

**Zen:** Even if she wants to be alone... God...

\---

The discussion fell short pretty quickly, with neither of us really knowing what to say or how to react. I couldn't blame them. For a while, we all just soaked ourselves with memories, where everyone was so excitedly going off about the baby, sharing their congratulations and ideas. It wasn't too long ago, but it felt so far away now. There was no baby to get ready for. No baby for any of us to meet. I walked towards my room, and flopped myself onto the bed restlessly. I quickly winced, feeling something hard with sharp corners poking into my back. I sit up and look to see what is was. It was a book.

'Accepting a Child into your Home: A Guide to Living with a New Family'. The happy, healthy children on the cover taunted me with their bright smiles. Anger rapidly builds up in my chest, and before I know it, the book has been thrown across the room, hitting the wall with a thunk. It falls onto the ground, pages open on the picture diagram on how to help a child through an asthma attack. The anger in me dies as quickly as it built up, replaced with heavy sadness that causes my shoulders to slump and my head to hang low. Soon, tears started to fall onto the bed sheets, the water spreading into neat circles one after another. 

The whole room was void of sound, save for my hiccups as the tears kept falling. I really haven't felt so alone in a long time. 

  


**Author's Note:**

> Yo. Thanks for reading - this is my first real fanfiction so I'm a little clueless. Criticism would be very helpful!


End file.
